A Good Disciple

One quiet afternoon, as I find myself staring in his direction, kind of mesmerized, (as always happens), Jesus asks me flat out, “What are you looking for?"           
Startled, out of my contemplative fervor, I reply, “Who me?”

“Yes, you, silly. Who else is here?” (He's such a tease.)

“Right! Of course,” I say, feeling a little awkward. (Mind you, Jesus tends to stare right through to one's soul – I’m pretty sure he sees last night’s dinner digesting in my belly.)

“What are you looking for?” he asks again, a little more forcibly this time.

(Wow - intense. What am I looking for? I was just looking at him.) 

Jesus can be relentless. “What are you looking for?”

“I don’t know,” I confess. “I want to know, but I don’t know. You know? Can you help?”

“I can do that. Now that you ask.” He laughs. (I love his laugh.)

(I look back at him – looking at me, waiting. He says nothing. Not a single flipping word! Entire centuries pass. Finally, I cannot stand it.)

I say, “I see what you’re doing,” 

“Good,” he replies. "That’s the point.”

“What’s the point?” I ask, in all sincerity. 

“Exactly,” Jesus says with a grin.

(I make a very good disciple.)

Spiritual Practice: Read John 1:29–42. Take a few deep, slow breaths and ask, "What am I currently looking for?" Enter into an honest conversation with Jesus. Be open to whatever arises. Perhaps write about it in your journal.

Geese appear high over us, 
pass, and the sky closes. Abandon, 
as in love or sleep, holds 
them to their way, clear 
in the ancient faith: what we need 
is here. And we pray, not 
for new earth or heaven, but to be 
quiet in heart, and in eye, 
clear. What we need is here.

 ~~Wendell Barry

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