One Thing

I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.     ― Abraham Lincoln

Through the years people have often asked me “How did you do it?”, meaning how did I survive the death of a child. They were looking for the “one thing.” In answering, I try to honor the spirit of the question, which is certainly different for every person. Some are grieving themselves and looking for concrete, practical advice. Some might be asking as they are witnessing the grief of a friend or loved one and sincerely want to help. Some are simply curious. I often feel the weight of the responsibility to answer well for each person. It’s never an easy answer. That’s why I wrote Back to Happy. The book was my humble offering in response to that question.  For me, if I was to pinpoint the “one thing” that was the thread woven through the fabric of my personal healing, I would have to say it was surrender. Surrender was the most difficult, most unlikely, most radically transformational part of my grief journey.

It’s ineffable for sure, difficult to describe with words but I try my best in Back to Happy. Just to clarify what I mean by surrender, I will tell you first what surrender is not. Surrender is not giving up. Surrender is not weakness. Surrender is not permission to check out. 

When something traumatic happens, like a loss (and these recent shootings are deeply communal losses for all of us) we often want to respond with immediate action. Action is one way of avoiding profoundly deep feelings of despair. There are others, but avoiding is not what I want to focus on here. Grief and despair can overwhelm the human system physically, emotionally and energetically. In the aftermath of trauma our minds and spirits are often disconnected from our bodies. Our mind races ahead to make sense of what has happened and wants to come up with solutions. Our body is left feeling untethered, like a helium balloon released to the heavens. Our beautiful immortal spirit, in its wisdom, seeks wholeness and gently nudges the broken parts of us back to unity. You may feel these gentle nudges when coincidences happen or unlikely people show up at just the right time or a certain song plays on the radio. 

What can we do with a racing mind and a deeply traumatized body? We can choose to surrender to the nudges. Surrender brought me to my knees, literally. I wrote about this in Back to Happy.  One day after months of pushing and doing and trying my best to keep busy with things that would seemingly help me move through the despair, somewhere from deep within came the thought that I could choose to surrender. That day in my living room, all by myself, I prayed. I prayed hard. I surrendered. And I asked for help. 

That was my turning point. Physically and mentally I surrendered to the awareness that I needed a higher power (for me that’s God). I surrendered to accepting help from other people. We are not meant to endure despair alone. Always, always reach out. But first, surrender. Love, God, the universe, whatever you choose to call her, is always there waiting for us. We have to make the first move. 

Over time surrender led me to people and places and books and churches and counselors and yoga classes. I began to heal and rediscover joy. To use the words "surrender saved me" is an understatement. Surrender changed everything for the better and for good. As I practice surrender daily it continues to teach me and never fails to amaze and delight. 

So if you are wondering for yourself or another what is the “one thing” that you could do or suggest to another to move with grace through the devastating, complicated, life changing grief that inevitably we will all face, try surrender. Surrender with your mind and your body and ask for whatever help you need. You will receive. And then, never stop asking. 

May you find the courage to surrender to the love that is waiting silently and patiently for you. May you know the peace that comes with this surrender. May you grow closer, day by day, to this miraculous, delightful mystery. In time, may you come to know the gift of sharing it with others.

Connie Bowman is an actress, yoga teacher, host of the podcast Happy Healthy You! and author of Back to Happy and children's picture books about overcoming fear, kindness and acceptance. For more about her visit www.conniebowman.com.